“一些人认为拥有使人强大。然而有的时候，是放弃使人强大。”
I will never forget the moment my marriage ended. 我永远不会忘记那段婚姻破碎的日子。
My husband and I had fought the night before about many of the same things we’d been fighting about for the entirety of our four-month marriage.
我丈夫和我前一天晚上吵架了，为那些我们结婚四个月以来一直争吵的事。
He was dissatisfied with our sex life and my lack of respect for him. I was struggling with bipolar disorder changing medications going back to school and trying to please a man who seemed to find fault with everything I did.
他对我们的性生活不满意，认为我不够尊重他。我在两端的混乱中挣扎，换了药，回到学校，努力想要讨好那个似乎一直在挑我毛病的男的。
During that fight he choked me twice to prevent me from screaming and running away. I learned quickly that if I didn’t want to die I would have to go limp submit to his power and hope he would release me from my position pinned face down in our bed.
在那次争吵中，他两次使我窒息，为的就是阻止我尖叫逃跑。我很快意识到如果我不想死的话，我必须蹒跚而行，服从他的权利，期望他能站在我的立场上释放我，脸朝床，祈求我的原谅。
When I woke up the next morning my spirit was broken. I felt as if I had a terminal disease. I knew with great certainty that I would die at the hands of my husband I just didn’t know how long it would take.
当我第二天醒来时，我彻底垮了。我感觉我得了绝症。我很确定我会死在我丈夫手下，我只是不知道距离这件事的发生还会有多长时间。
When my husband woke later he wasn’t satisfied with my newly submissive attitude. Another fight ensued but this time he used a different tactic. He insulted me cutting me to the core with a comparison to a person who had caused me a great deal of pain and anguish.
过了会儿，我丈夫醒了，我还是对我新的顺从态度不满意。另一次争吵发生了，但是这一次，他使用了另一种不同的策略。他侮辱我，消减我的核心，就像一个曾经带给我极大的疼痛和痛苦的人。
As it turns out my spirit had not been fully broken. The tiny scraps that remained rallied together to propel me out the door of our apartment. I ran screaming down the street like a mad woman banging on a stranger’s door and calling a friend to activate an escape plan. 结果，我的精神彻底垮掉了。那些微小的碎片聚集在一起，支撑着我走出了我的公寓大门。我像一个疯女人似的，尖叫着跑在路上，撞上一个陌生人的门，打电话向一个朋友求救。 I collected my dog moved back in with my mother and got a lawyer. Our divorce took seven months almost twice as long as our marriage lasted.
我带着我的狗，和我妈妈一块回来，并且找了个律师。我们的离婚案花了7个月，几乎是我们婚姻持续时间的两倍。
And for the next year and a half after leaving him I carried around the story of the violence and pain of our short time together like a security blanket.
在离开他的一年半期间，我带着这段和他在一起的充斥着暴力和痛苦的故事，就像一个安全的毯子。
Sometimes I would be angry with him. 有的时候，我会生他的气。
I would wonder what was going through his head when he decided to cover my mouth and nose with one hand and immobilize my arms with his other free arm. I would cry when I compared the gentle artistic soul I had fallen in love with to the invincible foe I faced at the end.
我会想知道当他一手捂住我的嘴和鼻子，用另一只手固定住我的胳膊时，到底在想什么。当我将那个我爱上的温柔而且艺术的灵魂和我最终面对的那个不可战胜敌人作比较时，我会哭。
Sometimes I would blame myself. 有时候我会责怪我自己。
If only I had been more polite more respectful been more generous in bed. If only I had bought him another truck since the first two hadn’t been adequate proof of how much I loved him. If only I had cut contact with my oldest and dearest friends sooner.
要是我在床上时能够更有礼貌，更加尊敬他，更加的大方。要是我给他买了另一辆车，既然前两辆车不足以证明我有多爱他。要是我能够早点减少和老而亲密朋友的接触。 If only I hadn’t sought solace and companionship at a local church. If only I had been able to listen unquestioningly to his demands instead of arguing for silly things like access to psychological care and food and sleep.
要是我没有在当地教堂里寻求安慰和陪伴。要是我能够毫无异议地听取他的要求，而不是为那些愚蠢的小事和他争吵，比如说寻求心理安慰、食物和睡眠。 If only I had been perfect he wouldn’t have choked me. 要是我足够完美，他就不会让我窒息。
After a year and a half of this mental and emotional racket running through my head and heart on a daily basis I finally started to see rays of light shining in through the cracks. 经过一年半的日常生活中的头脑和心灵上的这种心理和情绪上的喧吵，我最终在裂缝中看见闪闪发亮的几束光。
Reading Tiny Buddha had a lot to do with it but the real breakthrough came when I took a road trip to a city I had never been to before a city my ex-husband had visited before we were married.
读《小活佛》和这个很有关系，但是我去那个我之前从未去过的，而我前夫在我们结婚前去过的那个城市旅行时，我才找到了真的突破点。
Walking around in this city I looked for the things he told me about. There was the bookstore where he bought me a card. There was the burrito restaurant. There were the murals he admired.
我漫步在这座城市中，找着他曾告诉过我的那些东西。那儿有一家书店，他曾经在里面为我买过一张卡片。那儿有一家面卷饼餐馆。哪儿有他敬仰的壁画。
Suddenly I was able to see my ex-husband in a much more sympathetic light. 突然我能够以一种更加同情的目光看待我的前夫。
He did not wake up one morning and decide that he was going to terrorize me. He did not set a goal of choking the woman he married. He was not a sociopath who enjoyed inflicting pain upon me.
一天早晨，他没有醒来，没有要折磨我。他没有想要让那个和他结婚的女人窒息。他不是那个将快乐建立在我的痛苦上的分子。
He simply acted on his experiences and emotions and chose to do what seemed logical at the time. Which is exactly what I had done what we all do.
他只是按照他的经历和情绪来行动，选择做那些在那个时候符合逻辑的事。我到底做了些什么，我们都做了些什么。
Looking back on it I could see what a mess we were. Our insecurities and flaws became more exaggerated when we were together. We truly brought out the worst in each other. 回想过去，才发觉之前我们真的是一团糟。当我们在一起时，我们的不安全感和缺点被扩大了。我们真的将最坏的方面带给对方。
In that moment I decided to forgive my ex-husband. I bought a tiny carved elephant one of his favorite animals from the bookstore he had described to me and took it down to a riverfront park. There by the water I said aloud everything I had just realized.
在那一瞬间，我决定原谅我的前夫。我从那个他之前为我描述过的书店里买了个小小的雕刻大象，那是他最爱的动物之一。我把它拿到河滨公园。在那儿，我对着河水，大声说出我刚刚领悟到的一切。
I apologized for not knowing myself better and thereby not realizing how wrong we were for each other.
我没能更好的认识自己，也没能意识到我们为彼此做错了多少，为此我深感抱歉。 I apologized for not seeing my ex-husband for who he was instead super-imposing my own fantasy onto him.
为我没能看清我的前夫，而把自己的幻想强加于他， 我深感抱歉。
I thanked him for all of the good times—the road trips the conversations the paintings he gave to me the way he encouraged my singing and guitar playing.
感谢他带给我的那些美好的时光——那些汽车旅行，那些交谈，他给的那些画，他鼓励我唱歌弹琴的方式。
I wished for him to find health and wholeness. 我希望他能够健健康康的，完整无缺。 I forgave him. 我原谅了他。
I placed the little elephant on a ledge overlooking the water and walked away. The lightness of heart that I felt—the relief the gratitude—all settled over me like the first snow on a pine branch.
我把小象放在水面上的一个平台上，然后离开了。我感到十分轻松愉快，我觉得自己充满了信仰感激，就像降落在雪松分支上的第一场雪。
And I realized as I drove away that forgiving and forgetting are very different things. 当我骑车离开时，我意识到原谅和忘记是完全不同的两码事。
I can never forget the way his hands felt covering my face. I can never forget the panic of not being able to breathe. Nor should I strive to.
我永远不能忘记他用手捂着我的脸的方式。我永远无法忘记不能呼吸的痛苦，也不应该努力去忘掉这些。
I must not forget the lessons I learned from my marriage. 我永远不会忘记从我的婚姻中得到的教训。
I must not forget what is most important to me—freedom of movement freedom to pursue friendships freedom from fear and control. And I must not forget the warning signs I saw in my ex-husband which I ignored that almost cost me my life.
我不会忘记什么对我而言是最重要的，那就是行动的自由，追求友谊的自由，摆脱恐惧和控制。我不会忘记那些在我前夫身上看见的警示牌，之前我忽视了这些，几乎付出了我的生命。
Although I forgave my ex-husband I will not forget the harm we did to each other. And this is a good thing. If I forgot I might walk into another similar situation. In remembering I am able to evaluate new relationships and make sure I’m not going to re-make the same movie with different actors.
尽管我原谅了我的前夫，我永远不会忘记我们对彼此造成的伤害。这是件好事。如果我忘记了，我可能会陷入另一个相似的状况中。记住这些，我能够评估新的人际关系，确保不再和其他的演员上演相同的电影。
For too long I resisted forgiving because I had confused “forgiveness” with “approval.” Nothing could be further from the truth.
很长一段时间，我做不到原谅，因为我将“原谅”和“赞同”混淆了。没有什么可以胜过真理。 I don’t condone my ex-husband’s actions. But he is far from the only person in the world who has done something hurtful without intending to.
我没有宽恕我前夫的行为。但他并不是这个世界上唯一一个无意间做了有害的事的人。 We have all hurt people in our lives and we have all benefited from someone’s forgiveness.
在我们的生活中，我们都伤害过别人，我们也从他人的原谅中受益良多。 How bleak the world would be if everyone held onto their pain the way I did. 如果每个人都如我之前那样陷入痛苦中，这个世界该是多么的灰暗啊！
How bright the world can be when we release the burden of anger and resentment and instead forgive.
当我们放下生气和怨恨的重担，学会原谅时，这个世界该多美好啊！
And how beautiful the world can be when we learn from our pain instead of wallowing in it. 当我们从痛苦中学到什么而不是沉溺于其中，那样的话，我们的世界该是有多美好啊！
